Lose Control
by Smidgie
Summary: Holly wants to lose control. AH song fic. Post LC. Please read and review.


Um, OK. . . don't really know where this one came from. . .

Song fic to Evanescence's 'Lose Control'.

AH, of course.

* * *

_**You don't remember my name**_

**_I don't really care_**

They hadn't meant to fall out of touch – _but it had happened, didn't it? and you don't regret it, do you?_ – and now he didn't even remember her name – _ah, but don't you wish he does, my contradictory darling?_ – and perhaps the most terrifying thing was that she didn't care.

**_Can we play the game your way?  
Can I really lose control?_**

And sometimes she wondered – _if you can call it that_ – what would happen if he found her – _if you played the game his way, Holly my girl, if you gave up everything you ever worked for and lost control_? – but she never let herself entertain those traitorous thoughts – _the descent through insanity is steep though sweet _– so she worked half to death to stop the thoughts from coming.

**_Just once in my life  
I think it'd be nice  
_**

And just once – _could you really settle for once, my dear, when it would take a lifetime to unlock him, to plunder the riches that were Artemis Fowl?_ – she wanted to kick back her heels and just to – _what?_

**_Just to lose control- just once  
with all the pretty flowers in the dust_  
**

Just once, she wanted to lose her control and lose herself in his eyes – _ah, you well know those eyes, for doesn't one stare back at you in the bathroom mirror every morning_? – and to forget all her obligations and her duties_ – do you mean the ones that define who you are?_ – and to be Holly, not Commander Short – _who falls short of no expectations except her own_ - and to crush her responsibilities underfoot like week old flowers into the dust - _like you did to his heart; don't flinch from the truth, Holly, you know how you broke him!_

**_Mary had a lamb  
his eyes black as coals  
_**

But he was on a leash – _these days he's as docile as a lamb_ – the leash of – _her! _– that fiend Minerva, who bore his heirs and controlled him with a rod of iron – _Artemis Fowl, controlled, and by one so ordinary, perhaps you're not the only one on who needs to lose control _- and his eyes were as dark as coals, no matter their shade – _perhaps why she did it; she could not stand staring into hazel where she wanted blue_ – and they never saw her anymore.

**_If we play very quiet, my lamb  
Mary never has to know_  
**

Perhaps, once – _before the moon kissed the horizon and fell into the sea _– she could have loved him anyway, regardless, but – _excuses, excuses_ – now even if they didn't speak, muffled all sound, his wife would hear – _but if you muffled sound so well as your emotions, Holly, she would never have to know_ – so they stayed in the safe and the known – _and did not know each other._

**_Just once in my life  
I think it'd be nice  
just to lose control- just once  
_**

But she still hankered after him – _is it him, or the rush he brings you want?_ – and the loss of control, her iron control, that she never let slip – _for fear your heart would crumble to dust if you release the iron bands _– but still he crept into her dreams, even though she tried to banish him – _but he never used to listen to you, even when things were still innocent and clean – _how she tried, til her heart wanted to break to stop the pain.

**_If I cut you down to a thing I can use_**

She had once wanted to crop him down to what she wanted – _be good, Artemis, don't go hacking or stealing or do anything else you want_ – but a hideous thought cracked that armour of self-righteous conviction – _you'd be no better than his wife._

**_I fear there will be nothing good left of you_**

And she feared – _how you fear_ – that in doing so, Minerva had stolen his soul_ – stolen everything that was him _– but she knew that he had been broken that day when she herself had let the communicator ring out, instead of picking up – _and the time after, and the time after, for reasons you don't know, do you Holly? _– and she told herself that they had 'fell out of touch', when she had been the one to push him off that edge – _so he fell, to break on the rocks of betrayal below._

_**Just once in my life  
I think it'd be nice  
just to lose control- just once**_

And she still wanted to lose control – even though she had relinquished control long ago.

* * *

Thanks for reading, and please leave a review if you have time. 

Ta,

Smidgie


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